r3st & r3lAxation

currently listening to "sing like lana del rey" on youtube, a remix that uses subliminal messaging to help u manifest changes in ur voice. i feel my throat tingling. 

one comment reads "I've been listening to this for 3 days & so far I've dreamt about singing 'off to the races' (it's one of my favorites :0) & I managed to sing it like her in my dream! Also today I sang a little bit & my voice changed for a short amount of time like it sounded like Lana's ;) I love this sm!! I'll update if I see more updates." 

i read another comment explaining how subliminal videos works and the person said it's similar to manifesting. i feel like the more i listen to tiktoks and spend time alone, i can hear my speech impediment come back from when i was a child. hard sounds turn into w's and i stutter a bit. 

today i told my therapist about how when i went off of lexapro, i went to beacon's closet and sold all my clothing that wasn't black. 

i had a dream last night that my trisha paytas tattoo had multiplied and all of a sudden i had 4 of them. each one is a fragmented blown-up version of my original tattoo. as if my current tattoo was a complete puzzle and all of the new tattoos were puzzle pieces. 

trisha was also in my dream. she had booked a reality tv show in which she would play anna nicole smith. i cried deeply when i heard this news and everyone around me was concerned. i watched her being followed by cameras and producers. none of the crew GOT her if u know what i mean. i wanted to chime in and direct the shots but i was merely a production assistant on the show. it was painful watching people make a mess of something that could be so powerful. my dream project. 

when i was walking to the post office today i saw a pile of romance books on the street. 

this cover is my favorite

g0ing 4 a rUn

listened to folklore by taylor swift for the first time. joan didion died. i saw a black duck. decluttered my make-up yesterday and threw out matte liquid lipsticks. tried on all the colors until my mouth became encircled with red and beige. i miss my guinea pigs. 

ive been listening to trueanon's coverage of the ghislaine maxwell trial. i got through 10 hours of their commentary in the past two days. i like it, the podcast kind of reminds of less aggy red scare. i don't have a lot of context for it, so sound off in the comments if im missing the mark here. i got a jury duty summons a month ago and i forgot to answer it. in my mind, i was called to be a juror for the ghislaine maxwell trial and i missed my chance to see all the redacted evidence. i keep imagining the jury duty people asking me if ive ever heard of ghislaine maxwell and i say no, but my face says yes. in this fantasy, im hooked up to a lie detector and the needle on the machine scratches up violently as i say no, showing the court people that im lying. 

do you guys remember when it was trend for youtubers to do lie detector tests? there was one guy that all of them used to do the tests. he always wore a polo shirt and had a beard. if anyone reading this remembers him, please message me. tbh idk if u would remember him unless u watched jason nash's vlogs in 2018.

this guy

dear readers, i have a confession. i watched all of david dobrik's vlogs up until he took a break this past year. ive listened to every episode of his podcast views with jason nash. ive been following jason nash since vine. WHY tess? that i couldn't tell you. im not a fan of them. jason is like a creepy uncle that u are weirdly curious about. david is the annoying cousin with mysterious sexuality. there is something familiar and comforting about watching them. i have a superpower when it comes to public figures.

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